Crazy girls are bridezillas. I’m a cool girl. I meditate. I’m chill. I scoffed when people hinted at how big a deal planning a wedding would be. All that help that my (bless them) thoughtful friends and family have offered, well – it would take just as long for me to explain how to do it as it would to do it myself. “Awe – thanks but it’s ok.” “I’m all good.” “It’s just a million little things, that’s all.” “If there’s anything I’ll be sure to let you know!” All smiles. All anticipation. All excitement. Laced with full on stress-balls. In all these posts I keep talking about heart over head, heart over head. Listen to your heart. Shut up the voice in your head. Oh my – how all that goes out the window when we get spread just a bit too thin. Oh how our own innate wisdom too takes back seat to our thinking mind (my thinking mind has a long list that rival’s Santa’s naughty or nice list at the moment. The hamster on my minds wheel is getting quite the workout – Hammy is super fit these days I can tell you that!)
But here’s the interesting part. I have so ingrained optimism and positive thinking into my way of being that I didn’t even recognize my stress. Here’s how the conversation went:
HEAD: “Oh sure, there’s heaps to do but it’ll all get done.” (Of course it will.)
BODY: “I can’t breathe. I’m having trouble swallowing. My chest feels tight. I can’t breathe. My jaw is tired from grinding my teeth all night.”
HEAD: “It’s probably a side affect from the medication you were taking. Maybe you’re having an allergic reaction. Let’s Google it.” (Note – Googling symptoms is never the right choice.)
BODY: “I can’t catch my breath.”
HEAD: “Hmmm Mister Google says to seek immediate medical attention if you’re suffering from shortness of breath. OMG – we need to see a doctor stat!”
BODY: “Sigh. Gulp. My chest feels tight.”
HEAD (To Doctor): “So I googled it and.. is it possible that I’m experiencing side effects to the mild dose of medication I’m on (which I’ve taken before and never had any adverse reactions to?)”
DOCTOR: “Hmmmm… (slightly smiling) It is possible. Have you ever experienced any anxiety before?”
HEAD (trying to sound calm and not-at-all-judgemental): “Ummm ya, but I get my anxiety here (pointing to belly) not here (pointing to lungs). I practice yoga. I meditate ev-er-y-day!”
DOCTOR: “Well.. ahem (smirking) you are getting married in a week and a half aren’t you?”
HEAD (trying to wrap itself around the possibility of it experiencing a panic attack. Spinning.. spinning.. spinning.. panic attacks were for lose cannons. I’m a yogi. I meditate every-fricken-day.)
BODY: I can’t breathe.
HEAD: What would people think if they knew I was stressed before my wedding just like every bride before me ever? I was planning on proving them all wrong. I’m not like them.
BODY: D’uh. Are you listening to yourself right now?
Moral of the story: Don’t believe everything you think. Listen to your heart. She always knows what you need.
(And so – doctors orders, I’m listening to classical music and cooking myself something fantastico for dinner. Apparently listening to classical music for half an hour is the equivalent to taking 10mg of valium. Now there’s something Mister Google didn’t tell me.)