what i found at the bottom of the toilet bowl

It seems there might just be some truth to the whole “you never fully appreciate what you had until it’s gone”.  We desire, push, strive, and aspire to be more, stronger, better, and thinner.  In doing so, little appreciation is paid to what’s ‘right’ about right now.  We fail to see our existing beauty, our imperfect perfection because our sights are set so firmly on the horizon, that sunny land where everything is better than it is right here.  Don’t get me wrong, there is massive value in the pursuit of our highest selves.  The elevation from a place of mediocrity to greatness is not in vain.  But I think there’s something profoundly flawed with the pursuit.  Our sights are so fixated on the shiny, glowing, acne-free future that it makes the present out to be everything less than par.  So you don’t think you’re successful ‘enough’.  Is this belief blinding you from all that is right in the present moment?  Seek out the practice of gratitude.  Dig deep to appreciate the mediocrity you’re running from within yourself.  What if it was all taken a way from you in an instant?  What if instead of getting closer to that golden horizon, you moved further from it?

Perspective.  And in it, dwells gratitude. 

The realization that you spent so much time berating yourself, making yourself wrong for all these things that weren’t really so wrong to begin with.  Your thighs weren’t really that fat – they were strong.  Your skin wasn’t all that flawed, it was clear.  Your productivity wasn’t less than enough, it was exemplary.  Your routine wasn’t as confining as you had thought.  Could you have been free all this time and not ever realized?

perfect20 weeks ago, a little seed planted itself deep inside of me.  It has been growing bigger and stronger everyday.  Not without sacrifice.  For 3 loooong months I was forced from my unknowingly blissful wanderings to a lonely nausea driven existence somewhere between the fetal position and the toilet bowl.  There is little or no reprieve for the hyperemisis gravidarum sufferer. Now ‘severe’ morning sickness is not the herculean adjective I would choose to describe the incessant nausea that consumed my world 24/7 for the past 80+ days. Unable to work or function at even a basic level, my muscle mass, strength and soul were slowly flushed along with my breakfast.

The art of suffering can sprout some insightful seeds of her own.  Compassion and acceptance out-powered perfection and judgement.  Gratitude met hindsight.  The fog of my blind-spot lifted.  I hadn’t been weak or ‘not strong enough’.  I was so much stronger than I had ever let myself see.  The perspective this seed has provided, has been all the yoga I need. Mat not included.

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5 thoughts on “what i found at the bottom of the toilet bowl

  1. Christ, you are inspirational! Love that you have come to realize the strength between you and “the toilet bowl”. You got through it, and you truly radiate beauty.

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  2. Lovely words doll. I am glad you are moving away from the toilet and starting to enjoy the pregnancy in an upright position. Congrats again and your are a very wise woman. Miss you both and your bump. Keep the pictures coming you look glowing. x

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